David Cameron has pledged to renegotiate Britain’s relationship with the European Union. Well he can take the day off and annoy his family as I have defined suitable terms for him.
On the 9th of July 1950 Breisach, the small town in Germany where I have lived for a year or two was the first place to vote for a united and free Europe. This was perfectly understandable given the history of conflict along the French border and the fact that 85% of the town was destroyed in World War II.
I have cycled a bit around bits of Europe and consider myself as qualified as any other know-it-all cyclist to act as a consultant in all matters European. So here we go:
Terms and conditions of Britain’s relationship with Europe.
- No Fishing.
- Austria will replace the televised Vienna New Year’s eve concert with a Sing-a-Long-a Sound of Music.
- Only one German team can play in any Champion’s League (European Cup) final.
- Anyone who puts on fancy dress and runs alongside cyclists in the Tour de France will be guillotined.
- Frenchmen who piss beside the road must face away from the traffic.
- The BBC will run all radio broadcasting in Europe with the exception of Sunday Miscellany on RTE 1 and Marty in the Morning on LyricFM.
- Italy will run all the catering, except for breakfast.
- Scotland will provide breakfast in the winter, porridge with salt.
- Greece will provide breakfast in the summer, Yogurt thick enough to be sliced with a knife, Spyros’s thyme honey as black as pitch and a sprinkle of oat flakes.
- Italy will design the cars.
- Denmark will design everything else.
- Germany will scrap all of their monstrous 4 wheel drives (Shogun, BMW, Qashqai, Porsche) and replace them with Fiat 500’s with optional flea market trailers.
- Performers of Rebetiko and Fado will live blameless tax-free lives.
- Ikea will offer a 200 year “collect and repair for free” guarantee on all of their furniture.
- Germany will tidy up after the rest of us, do the hoovering, look after the bins and recycling, put the cat out and turn off the lights.
In exchange for compliance with these conditions Britain will agree to:
- Prevent the tedious England Football Supporters Band from playing at international matches.
- Not win the Tour de France every year.
- Stop collecting dog shit in small plastic bags and then throwing the bags into trees and bushes and onto my beaches !
- Learn how to recycle and how to clear up all of its f***ing litter.
- Stop wearing tracksuits in town.
- Learn to love cycling.
- Learn to drink alcohol without having to visit A&E.
Now that wasn’t difficult was it. I don’t know what all the fuss is about. I hope I haven’t missed anything out?